I drove to the Twin Cities last Friday the 10th, with a lasagna. I had set an appointment with my friend Snake and his wife Alexis, to have dinner with them Friday. I found out Thursday morning, Snake had died Wednesday morning. I made the lasagna anyway. I said I was going to, I didn’t really expect Alexis to be there or to answer if she were alone, but I figured if she was together with family, the living have to eat. Most people love a good lasagna. No one answered the door. I brought the lasagna to my sister, nephew and nephew’s friend. They were happy to have it.
I didn’t eat with them, as I wanted to get from Minneapolis to St Paul in time for the start of a men’s circle, what had been billed as a gathering to reflect on the life of Snake in anticipation of his death, but instead became a men’s only memorial.
There were about 40 men there, about half of whom I knew, all of whom loved Snake, most of whom spoke for a few minutes on average, about what Snake meant to them. It seems Snake was all present, until about three weeks before his death - he had lymphoma for the second time, this time it entered his brain - and then he kept talking about taking his girlfriend to meet their new puppy on the way to pick up cookies from his (dead) mother. It seems he was quite cheerful, talking about things he loved - girlfriends, puppies and mom’s fresh baked cookies - in his last days. (That was one of the things about which Snake and I were different, before he got married he had lots and lots of girlfriends.)
Somebody told a story about how he once, for April Fools Day, while his daughter was at school, he removed the door to her bedroom, and sheet-rocked, primed and painted the opening before she came home.
In a clear sign of a divine universe, the guy who showed up to pick up the body, who had no idea who he was picking up, was wearing three inch coiled snake earrings in each ear.
But of course, and I don’t really think this is true, but that would be exactly the sort of thing Snake would plan as a goof. But then that is exactly the sort of thing that happened in Snake’s life regularly, weird occurrences and synchronicity, though there is no way to know for sure, now.
Most of the men told sweet stories about things Snake said or did, that changed them fundamentally. I tend to be provocative in such circles, and called him a liar. He told me he found a carved snake on a rock wall behind his Great Grandfather’s remote cabin in Norway, how he got his name; but then, before the meeting started I was paging through his book Stewards of Wisdom and the snake in question was actually carved on the inside of the front door. (He evidently spent three weeks alone in that cabin, at 17.) I then said it wasn’t as much the things he said, I remember, it was his self-possession, his calm confidence, the way he could be at ease in even the most intense situations. I talked about tonic masculinity and how optimistic I am, the GenX men I know on substack, taking the lead from Boomers, on masculinity and manhood. I said I was angry, that Snake had 10 good years left if not for the cancer. I said I saw Snake in every man in the circle, that we are his legacy.
After the memorial a few of us went to the local brewhouse and had beers. There was a lot of laughter, a lot of cheer, a lot of talk about tonic masculinity, a lot of discussion about where the men’s movement is going, about the positive things each of us are doing in this life. We talked about how much changed The Mankind Project is, how social justice warriors have neutered it, how they continue to threaten further action if they sniff anything like cultural appropriation. MKP doesn’t do sweat lodges anymore, you know, because American Indians patented sweat lodges apparently, not like every culture everywhere going all the way back…I think I might get involved again.
After beers I returned to my sister’s, and played a few rounds of PIG with nephew, with his mini-hoop in the basement, while nephew’s friend played a video game. As nephew and I were trash talking, nephew told NF to forget the game and play PIG. NF said, “I’m trying to figure out which meth lab I should buy.”
It was one of those moments where time sort of stopped. “What did you just say?” I asked, not angry, just, what was that?
“I’m trying to figure out which meth lab to buy.” The kid is like, eleven.
“This game gives you options about what meth lab to buy?”
“Yeah, see, there are four here.”
“Really? Really?” I looked at nephew and back at NF. “Does this game seem like it is healthy for you guys?”
NF says, “Yeah, we can steal cars, do drugs, buy all kinds of guns, we can even hire prostitutes!”
I stared. Silly uncle. Finally when I recovered, “Do your parents know you play this game?”
“Mom doesn’t care,” Nephew said. “[NF’s] dad doesn’t care what he does.”
I looked at NF, he looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and turned back to his game.
“What is it about this game that you guys like?”
Nephew didn’t say anything, but NF said, “It’s fun.”
“What is fun about it though?”
NF thought about that for a second. “It’s like sugar.” I laughed loudly. “Sugar. It’s like sugar,” he confirmed
Silly uncle stood there dumb. What do I do? What do I say? I said, “so you guys agree though, this isn’t very healthy for you?” They didn’t say much so I got their attention and repeated myself. “So you guys know that sugar and this video game are not good for you, right? And since there are no adults limiting you about this, maybe you guys should maybe think about taking care of your own health, and limiting yourselves about what is unhealthy, and maybe you should start thinking about what is healthy for you, take charge of your own health.” Of course, silly uncle, they are pre-teens, they are impulsive, you aren’t around enough to make much of a difference. Nephew has heard lots of talk from me, about addictions like sugar and video games and tiktok. Nephew didn’t play video games as long as I was playing hoops with him.
Thankfully nephew thinks all the gender talk is “stupid.” Lately I have been sparring on Minnpost.com, called a bigot, fascist, liar etc for saying kids shouldn’t be allowed to have gender reassignment drugs and surgery that will sterilize and sexually mutilate them. Our governor Walz here in Minnesota, having got himself a thirst for authoritarianism during covid, effectively declaring himself temp-emperor, MN shadow king of lockdowns, has de-facto without the legislature declared by Executive decree, Minnesota a trans refuge state, and any parent who wants to come to Minnesota to sterilize their children in the name of gender ideology will be protected from laws (and maybe the other parent) in their home state, declaring it cruelty to argue against such treatment of kids. BTW parents, our Lt Gov, intersectional Native American Peggy Flanagan, says it is your duty to accept whatever your children tell you they are, “that’s what good parenting is.” I sent a note to the governor, future generations will ask how eugenicists convinced so many people it is therapeutic to sterilize and sexually mutilate kids. Sorry not sorry, Leigh, you are a dick in a pink suit regardless if you don’t have one anymore, as long as you are advocating for backdoor eugenics on children. You don’t get to stand there with your pink hair and act like I am trying to erase you from public discourse, when you are advocating for what eugenicists have always advocated for. (MN gov is all Dem, and they are also attempting to make abortion unlimited, on-demand, while eliminating any reporting about it so no one will have any idea how many abortions are happening, in the name of human rights because most women who have abortions in lily white MN are minorities. But this is not about eugenics?)
Do you believe Yuval Noah Harari when he says humans are hackable animals?
A couple of guys on Minnpost went so far as to say that Jesus would be fine with making eunuchs, it says so right there in the bible.
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
Matthew 19:12.
on March 15, 2023 at 12:05 a.m.
Replying to RB Holbrook
Like I keep saying, eugenics in sheep cloth[ing].
Reply to William Hunter Duncan
By RB Holbrook
on March 15, 2023 at 9:43 a.m.
Replying to William Hunter Duncan
Do you know what “eunuchs” are?
By ian wade
on March 15, 2023 at 1:09 p.m.
Replying to William Hunter Duncan
You continuing to say it, doesn’t make it any more factual.
on March 15, 2023 at 9:25 p.m.
Replying to ian wade
It is a fact that medical gender transition “therapy” can and does result in sterilization and painful sexual disfigurement. It is a fact that this is being done to children. It is a fact that a disproportionate number of these children are on the autistic spectrum. It is a fact that most of them are girls.
Reply to William Hunter Duncan
By Dan Berg
on March 16, 2023 at 1:25 p.m.
Replying to William Hunter Duncan
All your rhetoric is based on the idea that trans people are abhorrent. You are a proud bigot that promotes the ideology that emboldens fascists that share your thinking to protest drag shows and commit violence against the LGBTQIA+ community. Repeating your beliefs louder doesn’t change anything.
on March 16, 2023 at 2:35 p.m.
Replying to Dan Berg
It is your rhetoric, clearly painting that picture about me. You relish trying to define me and conservatives generally in the worst possible light. You paint the worst, nastiest, meanest picture you can imagine and call it the truth.
But then, if you want to go through life like that, being so very angry and saying the absolute worst about people, it’s a free country.
There is a very long thread there, a lot like this.
Why do I bother? No one else is doing it, on Minnpost. Am I trying to provoke a woke mob? Fuck the woke mob; but no, I am not trying to provoke a woke mob. Does anybody care? Probably not. But then, that is really why I do this, for the lurkers who are afraid of the mob, of being mobbed, thinking what I am thinking, so they don’t feel alone or isolated about it.
That is something to think about too. I know a lot of the draw about trans, for kids, is that they feel accepted and cared for by trans groomers “advocates”, when they don’t feel accepted or acceptable anywhere else.
You don't need drugs or surgery to be accepted, or acceptable. You are children of God. You are children of this earth, blessed and beloved just as you are.
Happy St Patrick’s Day…
I’m a psychotherapist. I often ask people (adults) what they do to cope with stress, anxiety, etc. “I play video games” is a very common answer. Most initially include that activity in their tool belt of positive strategies and often are dismayed when I ask if they have alcohol, drugs, or gambling in that belt. It’s a very prevalent addiction in the western world. Not only does it give you dopamine hits, one experiences a sense of accomplishment and self efficacy that is the substitute for real-world risk-taking with all of the messiness and frustration that is NECESSARY (sorry to yell) for human development. If you are a parent, get your kid off the sauce: video games, social media, smart (lol) phones, etc. Don’t wait. Don’t excuse it. Get yourself off the sauce while you’re at it.
We have a nine year old daughter. No video games. There will be no smart phone while she is under 18 and under my roof. Flip phone at the start of high school. At this point there is no desire for any of that. She already understands this bc we discuss it. She loves to read and play outside and access her imagination. We have gone on (nearly) weekly hikes since she was 10 weeks old. This kid knows all of the birds that live in our area, not just the species but adult vs juvenile, male vs female, and even individual birds in our yard (complete with names she has given them). She is close to bilingual despite a totally English speaking household. The only non negotiable activity thrust upon her is attending jiu jitsu class which she has done, happily I may add, for 2.5 years. I train, too I support of her efforts. I learn Spanish, too, to support her learning in school.
Video games? What the actual F are we doing? No. I choose to be engaged with life and I model that for my daughter. Video games are not only not a problem in our house, the idea that we would start using them is ridiculous to not only myself and wife but to our daughter as well.
Btw, I was involved in MKP, did my weekend in March of ‘96 in southern Indiana. What a mess they have become as an institution. I am in a circle of men today, most of whom are former MKP guys, and we sweat 6-8 times a year. We honor any tradition that cultivates good relationships between humans, within our own hearts, and with all of our Relatives in the more-than-human world. Cultural appropriation? I’m a human walking for awhile on the Earth like any other. Hopefully, I can keep my mind and heart open to learn from my many brothers and sisters of numerous traditions. No one owns culture. “Culture is the Earth speaking through people in a particular place.” Paraphrase from Pat McCabe/Woman Stands Shining
For All My Relations! Peace.
Sad for you, William, in your loss of Snake. 'What Would Snake Do?' seems a worthy bumper sticker.
I have no answer on the video games and what they represent, other than reiterating Fat Rabbit Iron that they do seem self-aware. I think that the seed you planted, with your questions, will stay germinating with them. I wouldn't be surprised by a complete reversal in our culture, maybe after 5G ravages the planet and the survivors shut off wifi for good. Dark, I know. But I think some change is coming and I feel it will turn out for the best ... in the long run.