The Law of Shame

You wouldn't swim in a cesspool, or tar and feather yourself...

Editor’s Note: This is the third installment of a twelve part series on the training of the Octagon Society, Order of Spiritual Alchemy. The Law of Shame is the second of three preliminary lessons, to clear away much of the detritus gathered through life, to prepare for the eight primary lessons, which are about opening up and expanding consciousness. Links to the previous installments can be found at the end.

Many years ago I went to a leadership training sponsored by The Mankind Project. The man leading the training was Jim Mitchell, who continues to lead such trainings. He is a powerful black man, imposing, even intimidating, a former corporate executive at a major bank, now traveling the world teaching men primarily how to lead and generate positive change.

He talked about how proud he had been, a black executive in the late eighties and early nineties. He told a story about a day in the airport, he was wearing a tailored suit, feeling strong, standing tall, walking with great self respect. He used the restroom before heading for the gate. On his way to the gate, he felt people watching him. He didn’t think much about it at first, but some people seemed to be laughing. His pride flared. He stopped. Then he looked behind him and there was a long line of toilet paper trailing behind him attached to the back of his pants.

That was a lesson in humility.

He also told a story about three interior lakes. Imagine three lakes inside you: one of joy, one of anger, a third one of shame.

Dive right into the lake of joy, swim to the bottom, swim all around, revel in it. Return to it again and again. Dive into the lake of anger too, but don’t linger, swim across and back, or swim to the bottom, swim back up and climb out. Don’t make a habit of it, stick to the lake of joy as much as possible. Then there is the lake of shame. Do not ever dive in. Ever. Do not even step into that cesspool. Maybe dip a toe in, just to see what its like and then spend an hour scrubbing your toe. Dive into the lake of shame and you might never come out, the scum sticking to you and dragging you down until you drown, sinking to the bottom.

We tend to feel shame in two different ways: because of something we did, or because of something that was done to us. For a long time. I felt shame because as a kid I used to keep frogs, snakes and turtles in cages. I’d catch them in wetlands, bring them home and cage them. I learned from an older neighbor boy, who mostly used aquariums. The one I remember most was a little snapping turtle not much larger round than a silver dollar, which I kept in an aquarium in my bedroom. I went with my mother for a week to visit relatives, I put a bunch of minnows in the aquarium water for the turtle to eat, I came back and the water was white, putrid, the little turtle sitting on a rock in the middle of that cesspool, looking to me like he was going insane. I let him go right away, but I never forgot that and felt shame about it for a long time.

I came to understand, I caged those animals because I felt caged. It also made me feel proud, hunting and catching them.

Whatever we did and whenever we did, it is over. It belongs to the past, not to the present. We need to realize that everybody living now and everybody that ever lived made mistakes and a lot of those mistakes are far worse than anything we ever did. We need to get over it and get on with our lives. Correct the error to the best of your ability, accept that’s the best you can do, forgive yourself for making the mistake in the first place, love yourself in spite of this mistake and get on with your life. This is the Law of Shame: Carrying the weight of shame causes more harm than the things for which we feel ashamed ever did.

I also felt shame for a long time, because of my fundamentalist Christian upbringing, because I was born a sinner. I no longer believe that, but I did.

Probably me just talking about it has called up something you feel shame about. It might have happened decades ago, but the shame can be visceral now, and it can be debilitating. It feels like humiliation, like the time I asked if I could kiss that girl and she laughed at me. It still stings, 35 years later. Especially because she told all my friends and they laughed at me.

See how easy it is to wallow in it?

When you’re ashamed, you’re not living your life and that’s a much bigger mistake than anything you ever did that makes you feel ashamed now. Get over it. Confess the source of your shame to yourself and to the Divine, and possibly to another person you can trust. Confess your mistake. Confess your inability to make it right. Correct the error as best you can, accept this as being the best you can do, forgive yourself, love yourself in spite of this error, and get on with your life.

In the Introduction I mentioned that one of the conditions of following through with the training of the Octagon Society is a belief in the Divine. Specifically, a “Divine [that] accepts, forgives and loves us unconditionally.”

It takes a lot of courage to work through the following:

Make a list of all the things you did in your life that make you feel ashamed now. Write down as many details about each source of shame in your life as you find relevant. Then one by one take up each item and ask yourself the following questions about that item.

1. Does the Divine, who accepts and forgives everything, accept you and forgive you in spite of this mistake? Keep asking until you find the strength to say “yes.”

2. What can you do, in your present circumstances, to make amends for this mistake? Make it a priority to do what you can to make amends and avoid making this same mistake in the future. Do what you can, accept this is the best you can do, and go on.

3. If there’s nothing you can do, for whatever reason, about making amends, turn to the Divine and ask for forgiveness and peace and vow to do something to make somebody else’s life easier. By easing the pain of another person, you release your own pain and shame.

4. Release your shame and let it go.

And then this:

Make a list of all the things about your family, job, friends, environment, and other things that make you feel ashamed Then one by one take up each item and ask yourself the following questions about that item.

1. What is it about the thing that makes you feel ashamed?

2. When do you first remember feeling ashamed about it?

3. What effect has feeling ashamed about that thing had on your life?

4. What would you have to do to stop feeling ashamed about this?

Hanging on to shame is like tarring and feathering yourself regularly.

You don’t have to believe in the Divine of unconditional love to get over shame, but to truly generate spiritual alchemy, turning tar (shame) into gold (spiritual strength), it certainly helps.

If you feel ashamed about something, you’re holding yourself back in life and impeding your spiritual growth. If you seek acceptance, forgiveness and love from the Divine because of this situation, you will instantly receive it. If you accept, forgive and love yourself to the best of your ability over this situation, you empower yourself and you grow spiritually. The choice is yours and yours alone.

Rich Soul

It’s is not like it is all washed away just like that. Sometimes I just have to stand in the rain. It is a process, but there is catharsis in the beginning. I still feel shame sometimes but it is drained of it’s power, it is like the urge for a thing I used to be addicted to, which passes in a moment.

A good reminder to swim regularly in the lake of joy.

1. Introduction

2. Law of Blame